I’m only in the toilet for one reason.

Public toilets or washrooms are strange places and in the course of my varied life I have visited many examples, including, on one or two occasions, the female version by mistake. Apart from the startling revelation that men’s toilet facilities fall far short of those provided for the ladies, I have over the years come to regard some issues around male public ablution as law;

  • To the one in one hundred guys who feels it is an appropriate location to start a new friendship; stop it, the other ninety nine percent are creeped out by you. We don’t want to talk, especially if we are holding our own genitals at the time.
  • If I am standing at the end urinal and at least two others are free, do NOT pick the one next to me.
  • When having a life-altering crap, have the foresight to flush at the mid-point and at the end to avoid that ‘Battle of The Somme’ aftermath we all hate opening the cubicle door to find.
  • Never, EVER allow another man to see you gently placing toilet paper all around the seat before assuming the position…I mean really guys, c’mon.
  • If you’re the guy who can’t hit the eighteen inch wide white bowl from two feet above it, sit down to pee – nobody will ever know.
  • Gents – a little decorum please, grunting and groaning does not have to be a performance sport – strain with dignity.
  • Farting at the urinal is acceptable unless a leg is lifted – that constitutes unnecessary showboating.
  • Straining or heavy breathing at the urinal is most unsettling for fellow users.
  • Farting in mid-strain when in a cubicle requires no apology, we all understand.
  • Phones must NOT be answered from within a cubicle – there are so many ways in which this is wrong.
  • Soap dispensers will always be empty above a spreading pool of soap on the counter-top. Get over it.
  • Gentlemen the sink is for the holding of water, try to keep it off the counter that we all lean against.
  • There must be a full length mirror at the exit of every male washroom for fly checks but there never is –  therefore a manual check pre-exit is mandatory to avoid unnecessary flashing of appalling underwear or even worse, wrinkled skin..

Washrooms are constructed for one purpose so let’s keep our visits as short and sweet as we can…and since we have to be in there, let’s also try to follow the rules!

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3 Comments on “I’m only in the toilet for one reason.”


  1. I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that very comprehensive list! Although the Urinal Choice Etiquette (bullet point 2) also goes for cubicles. In fact, more so – the sitting down job being, for me, a very private transaction. So if I’m in trap one, and traps two and three are empty, any new entrant must surely choose trap 3 unless there are extenuating circumstances e.g. your “Battle of the Somme” scenario.

    Regards
    Anguished of Mewrseyside

    • elsimmo Says:

      I have never understood why some people feel the need to be close to another excreting/egesting (3rd form biology) human being. There is a rather meditative aspect to a really good poo, and an immense relief, bordering upon the naughty, when reaching the loo after an interminable wait to pee. Such moments are to be respected surely?


  2. That should of course have read “Miseryside”.


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