Archive for December 2011

Driving me to dissatisfaction.

December 18, 2011

Time for some more entirely justified grumbling – this time I am condensing my whinges about Canadian drivers (some of which will be transferable on a global scale)…

I am using the word ‘drivers’ loosely because frankly there is a significant proportion of road users for whom I would consider such a term to be flattering. Some of the barely – controlled vehicles I observe are a credit to the clown schools the humans inside obviously attended…

My top ten Canadian driver foibles (not in order of potential danger);

  • Coming in at number ten – Indicating to turn left in the city only at the last second or when stopped – causing the twenty following vehicles to have to suddenly stop and wait.
  • At numero…nine-o…swinging left before turning right – the lane is wide enough already, stop trying to make it wider! Get a smaller car if the road is too narrow for you. Or better still – walk.
  • Doing a figure of eight is; turning off the highway from the left lane and therefore crossing at least two lanes at speed to do so as if having your right indicator on makes it alright. For goodness sake people!
  • Lucky number seven? Driving with no lights at night – the front lights may be automatic but folks, unfortunately we need to see your rear end.
  • Sliding up the charts at number six we find driving at night with badly adjusted headlights (usually pickups) which blind the oncoming driver quite effectively.
  • Holding the number five position with authority is ‘huge pickup driver’ – in both senses – who thinks he (again most often a he) owns the small acreage of road his monstrous machine occupies, and throws his vehicular weight about like an arrogant pig. Climb down into the real world buddy, let’s see how big you are then.
  • Fourth place is occupied by the person who is terrified by corners and bends – and there are so many of these people around. Negotiating bends is a requirement – how the hell did you ever pass a driving test? You DID pass a driving test didn’t you?
  • In the bronze medal position is the cell phone user (most often a female) who executes red light turns, blind lane changes and  worrying tailgating with the iphone pressed firmly to the ear. Wake up before you get to sleep for ever! How obviously stupid does this have to be for you to put the phone down?
  • The first loser at number two is of course our old friend the last of the great queue-jumpers, the (for some reason usually male) driver who leaves it to the last second and last few metres to squeeze from the closed lane into the running lane. Highway entry roads and roadworks are the favourite haunt of this piece of…work. Learn to merge!
  • And finally my personal number one, the thing which ticks me off more regularly and consistently than anything else – the left lane (overtaking lane) hog. From the dreamy idiot who feels entitled to dawdle along in the wrong lane simply because he or she has paid their taxes, to the buffoon who is in the lane from which they intend to turn left in about five kilometres (I am NOT exaggerating), I hate you all. May your exhaust pipe become blocked and your undercarriage wither and fall off.

To all these idiots I say this: get off the roads and stay off. I am perfect and the road is mine!

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I’m only in the toilet for one reason.

December 11, 2011

Public toilets or washrooms are strange places and in the course of my varied life I have visited many examples, including, on one or two occasions, the female version by mistake. Apart from the startling revelation that men’s toilet facilities fall far short of those provided for the ladies, I have over the years come to regard some issues around male public ablution as law;

  • To the one in one hundred guys who feels it is an appropriate location to start a new friendship; stop it, the other ninety nine percent are creeped out by you. We don’t want to talk, especially if we are holding our own genitals at the time.
  • If I am standing at the end urinal and at least two others are free, do NOT pick the one next to me.
  • When having a life-altering crap, have the foresight to flush at the mid-point and at the end to avoid that ‘Battle of The Somme’ aftermath we all hate opening the cubicle door to find.
  • Never, EVER allow another man to see you gently placing toilet paper all around the seat before assuming the position…I mean really guys, c’mon.
  • If you’re the guy who can’t hit the eighteen inch wide white bowl from two feet above it, sit down to pee – nobody will ever know.
  • Gents – a little decorum please, grunting and groaning does not have to be a performance sport – strain with dignity.
  • Farting at the urinal is acceptable unless a leg is lifted – that constitutes unnecessary showboating.
  • Straining or heavy breathing at the urinal is most unsettling for fellow users.
  • Farting in mid-strain when in a cubicle requires no apology, we all understand.
  • Phones must NOT be answered from within a cubicle – there are so many ways in which this is wrong.
  • Soap dispensers will always be empty above a spreading pool of soap on the counter-top. Get over it.
  • Gentlemen the sink is for the holding of water, try to keep it off the counter that we all lean against.
  • There must be a full length mirror at the exit of every male washroom for fly checks but there never is –  therefore a manual check pre-exit is mandatory to avoid unnecessary flashing of appalling underwear or even worse, wrinkled skin..

Washrooms are constructed for one purpose so let’s keep our visits as short and sweet as we can…and since we have to be in there, let’s also try to follow the rules!